The Story of Her

I looked down at the yellowing page of my journal. It had been a while since I sat down there under the pale yellow light of my desk lamp staring at the lightly dotted page. My pen cannot catch up with the steady thread of thoughts flying through my head. I decided to just sit and watch as the thoughts passed by, waiting for it to slow down enough for me to write it down. This is what happens when you have been holding back your thoughts way too long. That was another thought that passed through me right there. Where do these streams of thoughts come from? Is it the brain that’s churning them out? Or my mind? Maybe my conscious? What is the difference between the three anyway? No, it’s not going to work out. I give up! I threw down the pen and closed my journal. It looks like this is going to be one of those thought days, not writing days. I heaved a huge sigh and sat back in the chair tilted my face upto the ceiling and watched as the fan whirled on and on above me. I’m not sure how long I sat there like that before sleep took over me and I fell asleep.

It’s the last stretch. Past one hour of hardwork is going to culminate in this last 15 minutes of 45 degree climb. I try to steady my breath and concentrate on the rhythmic fall of footsteps. My backpack must be wet from the sweat washing down my back. But the pain on the side of my stomach and my legs where masking the wet mess. Last stretch, almost there I kept saying to myself. Not bothering to look back at Madan who I assume would be right behind me. Trekking is a form of meditation. Walking in silence is what we both prefer. From the beginning we have shared this level of mutual understanding that lets us feel comfortable with each other’s silence. With him there was noneed of making small talks and there was no compelling need to break awkward silences with random chit chat. We were totally comfortable in each other’s silence. 

Puffing and panting, we fell into the clearing. We had reached the top. I threw down my backpack and let the wind soothe my tired limbs. Bliss! The opium of every trekker. This rewarding moment. Madan and I stood there for a while looking at the beautiful scenery ahead of us. The majestic green mountains standing tall and proud, light blue sky and the soothing wind. “Sun is going to set soon, lets pitch our tent”, said Madan and I couldn’t agree more. Like a pair of worker ants who just got the queen’s orders, we started our work. And in no time the tent was up. Right in time for sitting down and watching the sunset. I took out a blanket from my backpack and we sat inside the tent snuggled under a blanket watching the sun vanish from the sky. Leaning my head on his shoulder I sighed. This must be how heaven feels. Stars peeped out and in the complete darkness of night, they shone bright like a bedazzled black gown on a pretty lady. We spread the blanket on the grass and lay down staring at the galaxy above us. It was getting very chilly but that didn’t matter. I didn’t want to move a muscle and spoil the magic of this night. We lay there for a while holding hands in silence. “Are you happy Nanditha?”, Madan mumbled in my ears. “Yes, I’m Madan. Right now, right here, right this moment, I’m happy.” “How is Raghav?”, he continued. “Somewhere in LA. Some business trip. It’s been few days since I heard from him. But we are pretty used to giving each other space.” “Did you get everything you wanted from this marriage? Are you happy in the States?”. I paused for a minute and listened to the crickets chirping somewhere to the left of us. Lucky crickets, wish I could be worry free like you and chirp away in this mountains forever, I thought. I could feel Madan’s body tensing up from anticipation as he waited patiently for me to wake from my reverie. “ I got more than I wanted Madan. I got a husband, my freedom and a credit card. Maybe not the prince in shining armour and conventional marriage that I always dreamt of as a kid. It was a shock initially but I soon realized it was better than that. Open marriage has given me complete and unrestrained freedom to explore myself and I have learned to understand that true love is completely free. You let this person fly and you watch and feel happy.” “Maybe I’m a little too selfish to understand the concept, Nandita. But I’m happy you are here with me sharing this tiny speck of your life with me. Just mine for these few hours. After this moment passes, I don’t know when we will meet again. But no one can steal the memory of this moment from me. You, me the mountains and all the stars above us”. Madan gently kissed my forehead and wrapped me tightly in his arms. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of warmth and peace wash over me in this moment of pure unaltered love.

A sharp pain in the neck suddenly shook me awake. My head had just hit the side of the chair. I looked at the clock on my desk. Half past 4. I had slept for a good few hours but it felt so short. Let me jot this down before I forget. I grabbed the pen and opened my journal and started scribbling down the story. The story of Her..  

A Journey into Spirituality

I have been on a journey. It didn't start yesterday or the week before. Neither last month nor the past year. This journey began even before I was born. Even before my soul chose this lifetime, long long before that I had started the journey. This journey that does not end with my lifetime; will continue long after my body decays. This journey of self realization and truth. 

Even if I don't know the starting point, I know for sure that my search for truth always intensified after big set backs. Love and loss, joblessness, depression everything lead me to probe deeper and deeper into the questions. Books were my first best friends. I searched for answers in Vedas, Bhagavad Gita, Bible, Koran and in the writings of Osho, Buddha and Socrates. The wordings were different but all the books pointed to one underlying principle - love. Love for all creatures living or dead, unconditional love for friends and enemies. Every scripture hides the same truth in its eloquent language and poetic verses. 

The second stage of practicing and imbibing the preachings were tougher. How can you love the person you hate to the bones? Can anyone do it? Yes, everyone can do it with lot of practice. The innate nature of human mind is kindness and love. We pollute it with hatred and bitterness. The more pollutants you add to your mind, the more difficult it becomes to unravel the hidden gems. Everyone in this world is different. The paths that work best for me might not work for you. That is where the importance of individual spiritual journey lies. You have to tread the path alone because you are the only person who knows what works best for you. I have been trying many different pathways trying to figure out what fits me. I never stop searching for new alleyways and side roads. Read, meditate, pray, practice kindness and find out what brings more joy and clarity to your thoughts. Even if you find a path, if you don't tread it often, it can become overgrown with shrubs and thorny plants. That is why you have to try and fit in spiritual study of some form into your life everyday. Doesn't matter what kind of study you do. All the paths ultimately lead to the same truth. And never rest thinking you have reached the end. If you think you have understood everything you might well be on square one. I try and learn everyday about myself, about the world around, the great plans of the creator and above all the power of love and kindness. This study never ends. Setbacks in life are my measuring sticks for progress. They remind me of the long journey ahead. 

So after a long hiatus, I'm writing to call on you, my readers, to venture into those uncharted waters. Start your individual journey if you haven't. If you are on the path, let me cheer you on. Never stop exploring this wonderful world of ours and the million questions it raises. Find your spiritual self and explore, for that is the ultimate purpose of this life on earth. Stay tuned to learn more about my own spiritual journey and experiences. 

My Rockstar Grandma!!

This is a tribute to an extraordinary lady. She was neither an actress nor a politician.She never was popular or famous.But she changed the life of her children, grandchildren and everyone around her with her sheer charisma and intelligence.
That was my grandma, the late Sara Paulose.

My earliest memories of grandma is of her standing with a cane and terrorizing us kids to have food. She was very particular that we always have a second serving of food from her own hands. She was a strict disciplinarian who never restrained from showing her immense love and affection for everyone.

I have never seen a lady as clever as her. She was sharp and quick witted, a quality that some of her children were lucky to inherit. She always knew what has to be done and did it perfectly. Her decisions were always right and she had this amazing quality of thinking about the future and taking decisions which would prove useful in the long run.

She never hesitated to go against the norms of the society. She was not the kind of person to be tied down by the shackles of the society. For her, everything was clear and she never faulted in her decisions. Even when her drunkard husband was wasting away the family properties, she stood firm as a wall protecting her kids and making sure they got good quality education.

She was nothing short of a doctor. She knew herbs and medicines for any ailments you could think of. There is this one incident that I remember from my childhood. One day while I was sitting in the veranda, an eagle came and snatched a small chick that was playing nearby. My grandma came running and started throwing stones at the eagle. The eagle finally surrendered to the pelting and let the chick go. But the poor thing was hurt very badly. My grandma rushed to its aid with a steel plate and a spoon. She covered the dieing chick with the plate and started beating on the plate in a rhythmic manner. We watched with open mouth as the chick's heart rate started rising and it started getting up by itself. That day, my grandma became a superhero in my eyes.

My grandma used to tell us stories and put us to sleep. We used to crawl up beside her and ask her to repeat the stories. We listened raptly as she told us stories of angels who took human form, about rooms in heaven and so many other beautiful stories.

Even though she was from another decade, she was not averse to the new technologies and ways of living. She was open to change and new ideas. Something I loved a lot about her. She truly was a magnificent lady.

Her demise has left a huge hole in all our lives.She was truly a rock-star grandma!Even now when I smell ayurvedic ointments, it reminds me of my sweet granny. Her white hair, wrinkled face and that beautiful smile. Grandma, you will never be forgotten. Even though you have gone far away from our sight, you will always be alive in our heart.

Dedicated to the best grandma in the world!!!

Questions and Answers

"Do you believe in love?"

I was startled by the question that was being posed.

"Yes, I do"

I didn't have to pause even for a second to answer the question. But in my heart I knew, I wasn't being 100% percent honest. It hurts to believe in love but it hurts even more not to believe in love. But at the moment, my intense philosophy wasn't what my friend needed. I gave the answer he needed to hear.

"How do you know when you meet the person for you?"

Next question was trickier.

"I wish I knew " was what I thought. But, I quoted what Paulo Coelho would say.

"By taking risks. By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."

Words are so much easier than the real thing. I don't even know if he believed me. But he had got an answer.

"If I had to choose between giving up on Love and trying once more to make her fall for me, what do you think I should choose?"

"Follow your heart. What do you really want to do?"

"The second option?"

"Good choice. Give love a second chance. It might not work out in the long run, but then you won't have to live with the regret of not having tried your best. "

Love is the weirdest thing in this world. Its simple yet so complicated. Who can know all the nuances of Love. Yet, I keep answering questions hiding the fact that I am as clueless as the questioner.

Sing You Home

'Sing You Home' is a beautiful book which addresses some serious moral issues. Contemporary fiction is my favourite genre. So I was delighted to get hold of this book by Judy Piccoult. Though I couldn't read the same author's ,'My Sister's Keeper',I have watched the blockbuster movie based on the story and I simply loved it. It was one of the most touching stories I have ever come across.

So, with a lot of expectation, I sat down with 'Sing You Home'. It revolves around a music therapist, Zoe. Zoe is married to Max, a landscaper. Max and Zoe have some fertility issues due to which Zoe is unable to conceive a child. In spite of undergoing several fertility treatments, she fails to give birth to a child and bears the history of two miscarriages and a still born baby. Zoe is desperate for a baby and is ready to go to any extend for it. But the long and tedious procedures and the emotional and financial strains involved with the process has drained out Max. He finds it unbearable to carry on his relationship with Zoe and files for a divorce. To overcome the pain of the divorce and birth of a stillborn, Zoe devotes herself completely to her career. Working with a suicidal student at the local school, she becomes close to the school councilor, Vanessa. The friendship between the two grows and blossoms into love. Zoe realises that it is Vanessa that she wants to be with forever and they get married. Zoe's desire for a child is rekindled when she realizes that there are three still frozen embryos from her marriage with Max stored away at the fertility clinic,which could be used by Vanessa to bear their child. Meanwhile Max has found redemption in an evangelic church and he is accepted into his rich and religious brother Reid's home. Max is happy and content living with his brother and sister-in-law and being the right wing man of Pastor Clive, a staunch opposer of homosexuals.Zoe approaches her fertility clinic with the request that the embryos be gestated on Vanessa. But she has to get permission from her ex-husband Max for using the embryos. So she approaches Max seeking his consent. Max who hadn't given much thought to the embryos is suddenly confused if letting his child grow with two moms is gonna be alright specially now that he believes homosexuality is a sin. Things get out of Max's hand when Pastor Clive finds him a lawyer who is also a homosexual hater to sue against Zoe and prevent her from having the embryos. Clive and his lawyer argues that allowing homosexuals to raise children will spell doom for traditional family system. Fight for the embryos take up an ugly form as media and church is dragged into the scene by Pastor Clive and his lawyer. Soon the court is thronged by media and people from church. Max is appalled by the turn of events and is torn between his desire to win the case and give the embryos to his brother and wife(who also suffer from fertility issues and haven't been able to conceive) and the knowledge that no one could ever want the embryos more than Zoe did. The nail biting climax ends in a series of unexpected events.

I found the tag line of the book, 'you can't choose who you love' very interesting. The whole story of Zoe can be summarised with the line. Being a homosexual isn't anyone's choice. As the author rightly points out, no one would choose it,knowing about all the hurdles that they will have to overcome just because of their sexual orientation. Judy has succeeded in conveying the pain and insecurities experienced by homosexuals in a society where they are seen as outcasts.The story is told through the eyes of the different characters and the plot is beautifully crafted. Life would have been easy if there was an absolute right and absolute wrong. But its rarely so.

I have always wondered how these writers can get into the shoes of other people and write it from their perspectives penning their emotions. Its easy to write an autobiographical work but its damn difficult to write about things that we are not so familiar with. I guess its all about understanding human emotions and minds and then doing lots and lots of research. I truly respect writers for this very reason.

Generosity Day!!

Wanna do something different this Valentine's day??

Join the MAD Rise Campaign and Celebrate V' day as GENEROSITY DAY!!

 One day of sharing love with everyone, of being generous to everyone, to see how it feels and to practice saying “Yes.” Let’s make the day about love, action and human connection

Valentine's Day Bash..

Feb 14 is fast approaching and so is the excitement surrounding the day. Lovers have already started making plans for the special day and those 'not so lucky singles' have either taken to fantasizing about a secret admirer or have decided to celebrate their single status. Whichever the category, everyone, even the people who call the day rubbish have started noticing a change in the atmosphere. Just look at the shops.. they are the first to get ready for any festivities.
During Onam, you can see the beautiful floral arrangements and pictures of 'maaveli' adorning the various shops.. Some even have these pot bellied, umbrella holding big guys waiting outside textile shops, ready to invite you in.
During Christmas, its colorful stars hanging in front of the shops that catch your attention. And of course Santa will be hanging around, entertaining the little visitors while their parents engage in Christmas shopping.

During Valentine's day, one shop everyone should make a point to visit is the gift shop. All the cute 'I Love You' teddies, heart pendants, heart clocks, picture frames, heart shaped squishy pillows.. these shops are filled with sooo many V day goodies that even people without any one special would start wishing for one. The magic of these shops.. Isn't it amazing how these people trick us into buying things that we never thought we would want? :D Sensible people have always argued that all this hype regarding valentine's day is nothing but a marketing trick of gift shops and greeting card industry. Why do we need a special day to celebrate love?? A very good point indeed. But does it matter if the card guys or the gift shop guys get some extra bucks by making us feel special and happy?? I wouldn't mind that! By spending money on gifts, cards or on setting up some gala party, if we can make someone feel special or if we get happiness out of it, I would call it money spend wisely.
Its the small things in life that make us happy.. and V day is a reminder of our love for each other. Sometimes in our busy lives, we forget to make the people we love, feel the intensity of our love  for them. Valentine's day is a day to remind them how much we love them and admire them. Its not a day for lovers alone.. its a day for friends, family..for everyone we love and hold closely to our heart. Its a celebration of warmth and love..a gentle reminder of everything that makes life worth living. Joy of giving is more pleasurable than joy of receiving. If a single rose can cheer up someone and make them feel special, why hold it back by slamming V day?? Laugh, love and live life without holding back your heart..

Distance

It had been raining all day and like the rain drenched earth, her mind felt damp and icy. There are things that time can't erase. Some memories stay on forever.. Two years had passed and even now, rain made her cry. She found it difficult to hold back the tears that rolled down her cheeks, a downpour in itself. The rain beating down the roof brought back a swirl of memories. His face.. A small dimple forming in his cheek as he swept away the soft hair that wind pulled down across his forehead. The way he tilted his face as his eyes closed for a second to wink at her.. It was raining the first time they met..



The heavy rain had delayed his flight for two hours. Even though he had to wait at the busy airport amidst a milieu of bustling people jostling for space, he dint mind it a bit. It was going back to that city, that he dreaded. Not long back, the very same city was close to his heart. It had given him everything he held valuable in his life.. his friends, his family, his flourishing career, his first love.. A jolt of pain cursed through him at the thought of her, his throat felt dry and parched.. The sweet fragrance of her body, the smell that he loved above all. Her touch, gentle and firm. He yearned for it, once just once to see her smiling at him. To feel his stomach doubling up, a feeling he hadn't felt since he last saw her.



Her office was buzzing with noise-the beeping printers, ringing phones and incessant talking. But as usual, she dint notice any of it. Life had become a routine. Wake up in the morning, make breakfast, call mom and listen to her patiently as she goes on filling her on the latest gossips or about the 'handsome, educated,six figure salaried boy' looking for a bride.. She hardly listened to any of it. At office, she didn't talk much.. She kept herself busy all the time.Often the fact that she was becoming a workaholic had crossed her mind. But the thought didn't scare her. The only thing that scared her was her buzzing phone. Every time it rings, her heart leaps up in anticipation. She hesitates a second before looking at the screen. Hoping for a second that it would be him. But like the rain outside her office window, her hopes had also started dieing..


As the car sped through the highway, rain had stopped outside, leaving a trail of droplets on the window. He flicked through the photos in his cell. There was her, in a white salwar, holding the rose that he had given her on their first valentines day. He remembered every second of that day so well as if it had all happened yesterday. How she had lied to her hostel warden to go out with him, how she had draped her dupatta  over her head with one hand and clenched his shoulder with the other as they drove through the city. She looked like an angel, standing there among a bunch of flowers in that park. It was the day he had gifted her the silver ring with a small heart engraved in the metal, the very ring that she threw at him the day they parted. Shuffling through his contacts, he stopped at her name,his thumb poised over the green button. "I don't want to see you ever again. Get lost you cheat..I hate you" her words ringed in his mind.




Sitting up in the couch she flipped through the channels. A chat show was going on where the host was guffawing over a joke cracked by her guest -pop- "the heavy rain has caused havoc in the city and the traffic has come to a standstill", a news reporter was shouting into the camera as rain rolled in the background -pop- a latest film song was playing with the scenes showing the hero and heroine dancing away in exotic locations -pop- pop- pop- The scenes flickered but she didn't pay attention to any. Sleep was again evading her and she had nothing else to do. Switching off the TV, she went to her bedroom and took out a silver ring from her drawer. As he walked away, she had picked it up from the ground. Through those watery eyes, she had stared at him walking away from her, calling out to him but words stopping at her throat. If he loves me, he'll turn back, she told herself stubbornly. But he dint. She waited till he disappeared and the sun had sunken low. The world moved about her but she never left that spot ever again..




The meeting was a success. The company had appreciated his proposals and had agreed to move forward with the deal. the next round of meetings would be held at his office. He had politely declined the invitation for dinner with the excuse of an early morning flight. Back in his hotel room, as he poured out a drink, he thought of her. She would be living somewhere in this city, working in a corporate firm as she had always wanted, married to some lucky guy. Maybe she even has kids now. She would be leading a happy life that might have been his too. "Oh God, why did this happen to us?? Where did we go wrong?"He thought as tears rolled down his cheeks...


Few kilometers away, a bolt lighted up the dark room where she lay cuddled.Her cries got muffled on the wet pillow..

Near yet so far..