Sanity & Insanity

My name is Aashitha. Yes, Aashitha with two As. I guess my parents wanted me to be first in everything and two As ensured that mine was the first name to be called out in every line, every test and every single place I go. Oh, how I hated my name as a child. Apart from those fun facts, I am quite a normal person. Maybe a little eccentric to some people. But that might be because I think a little different or maybe because I paint pictures that nobody understands. But I think I am a very sane person, more than them for sure.


I don't remember exactly when people started calling me crazy. The first time I remember, was when I told my friends that I don't know who Aashitha is. Tell me, do you really know who you are? People know me by my face. I know myself by what my parents chose to call me. But who knows the real me. I don't own all my thoughts, I don't know what my emotion will be the very next moment. I am not even fully honest to myself. I am scared of my innermost feeling, I hide them even from myself, my deepest thoughts and worries are buried in me. I truly don't know who I am. Do you know who you are? Have you understood yourself 100%? I know you don't. Then why do people call me crazy?

Another reason people find is my paintings. My earliest paintings were colorful scratches on the walls of my home. My Dad used to shout at me for spoiling the walls. But I couldn't stop it. I had to draw. No one gave me prizes in painting competitions. No one understood my paintings. The teachers in my school were all figurative painters. They never tried to understand the abstract in my paintings. Neither did my parents. They wanted me to study science and maths. But all I could do was scratch an image of a spiraling circle or a five pointed star with an elliptical center on the corners of my maths note book. I didn't want to know why earth was round or how many apples are left in the basket after eating two. I was interested in shapes, in colors, in the surreal world which was beckoning me. I couldn't stop painting. I had to draw. My pictures where like a particularly stubborn vomit that had to get out of my throat. I often felt my hands had a mind of their own. My parents never understood it. They shouted at me, beat me, locked me in room for days. Did everything they could to make me stop scribbling and scratching, as they call it. But I couldn't. Finally, I chopped my right hand off. I thought it will make my parent's happy. Now, I won't be able to draw. My hands can't control me. I thought my parents will be happy. I thought they will finally smile at me and say, 'Good girl!'. I was happy even through the pain as I thought of my parent's smiling place.

But I was wrong. They called me crazy and locked me in this cell. But its alright. Nobody calls me crazy here and I have learned to write perfectly with my left hand now. I can even draw perfect circles. I hope my parents are fine with me drawing because my hand has started taking control of me.. again.. Hope they are not angry at me. Hope they won't start calling me crazy..again..

Being A Girl

Been a while since I wrote a poem. This is one of those crazy poems that should be thrown away but manages to crawl into my blog. A little dark and a lot crazy, that's just the way this is going to be.

I sweep across the rough terrain
Like a wind in raging fury
Trees I uproot, rocks I grind
That is just me, being me..

I pour my heart on the thirsty earth
My soul lay bleeding for the desolete
Fury melts and sunshine spreads
That is just me, being me..

The darkest nadir my mind traverse
A robe of despair I wrap
Gloom I spread and trenches I dig
That is just me, being me..

I can woo the king and make a jester laugh
Wheels of fortune, I hold in hand
I fight with my look and win with words
That is just me, being me..

A whore and a goddess live in me
Unpredictable calmness and bouts of madness
I hold it all in the tip of my finger
That is just me, being me..

I sing like a robin's first spring melody
My grace has you staring spellbound
With the tilt of my head I can win hearts
That is just me, being me..

Scorching sun is a cool breeze
When you have me glaring in your dreams
Mercy is rare and no second chances
That is just me, being me..

Crazy, Mad, Wild and Sweet
I change myself in fraction of a second

Take or leave but never can you deny
The power I wield in my colored nail tips!

2014 !!

Yey!! Another new year has arrived.. I wish everyone all the happiness in the world. May love and peace find its way into your life this 2014.

2013 was a really eventful and fun year for me and the memories that the year has left behind is truly unforgettable. But I have a feeling 2014 is going to be even more fun. This new year, I did not take any resolutions. Why take one and then live through rest of the year regretting about not living up to it? ;) 

But I do have a new year thought to give my friends ( Nope, I am not planning to stop my preaching! :P ). My almost 1 year of corporate life has come to an end and this is the one piece of advise that I took with me as I left.
'Take ownership of your life. Be brave enough to move out of your comfort zone and explore' 

The line simply means, we have to own our lives and take responsibility for it. Nobody else is or should be responsible for our life. We have the power to make or break it. The path of our life is often set by a series of big or small decisions that we take. Where to study, where to work, should I shift to a new house, should I take that loan, should I attend that meeting etc etc. The seemingly small decisions and few big ones set our life in a trajectory. Its difficult to make these decisions and easy to follow what others think you must do. You can always blame them if anything goes wrong. I personally feel that whether we break or make our life, the decisions should come from us. I am not saying that we should not listen to others. We should listen to other people's opinions and suggestions but the final decision should be yours. You have one life, take control of it.

The famous book of Herman Hesse, 'Siddhartha' tells the story of the spiritual journey of a man. Siddhartha follows his heart and it takes him around a twisted maze of experiences. From the life of a Brahmin boy to that of a Samana and later a wealthy and selfish merchant. Through all the myriad pathways of life does he travel to finally reach the ultimate state of enlightenment. He had choices in his path. He could have been a Buddhist scholar, a devoted Buddhist, a rich and famous merchant. But he was not tied down by the seemingly comfortable lifestyles. He listened to his heart and its weird instructions, moved out of his comfort zones and finally got rewarded. He took ownership of his life. He took his own decisions even when his friends and family opposed. He was brave enough to follow his heart.

From my personal experience, I know how difficult it is to move out of our comfort zone and make that leap of faith. It will be scary and depressing but that is just the way we learn and grow. Nothing in life is easy but there is a reason why it is so. Life rewards those who are ready to take that leap. To take chances, risk failure, disappointment but still go on. The only way of learning and expanding your horizon is by slowly moving out of your comfort zones. You challenge yourself and learn. The satisfaction that is waiting for you at the end of that path is just unexplainable. And it all starts with a small step of faith.

So, let me just put a new year thought in your mind. Be brave. Brave enough to follow your heart, take ownership of your life and move out of your comfort zone. Explore, learn and never stop! :) Happy New Year!! :)

Chennai Tales - Part 2

Its been 7 months in this city and my initial skepticism has slowly turned into awe and wonder. There is something about Chennai that is far beyond the rugged, dusty and colorless terrain.

As I have already wrote in my earlier post, the soul of every city sings a tune that is unique and beautiful. The music I hear here is a potpourri of the old and the new. Of hardcore rock and south Indian classical music. Where else can you see people who hold the old and the new equally close to their heart. In malls here, while rock concerts go on in ground floor, classical concert happen on the top floor. And both have an equal number of admirers. Its truly spectacular how the people here appreciate and welcome the new trends while never leaving the grip on the old traditions.

The people here are the most welcoming and warm hearted people I have ever met. They truly live upto the vedic verse, 'Atithi devo bhava' which means, treat guests as Gods. My tamil friends go out of their way to make us feel welcome and comfortable. Even strangers have been kind and friendly. The uncle to whom I enquired about a train to my place guided me to the train and ensured that I got into the ladies compartment. While waiting in line at a tendor coconut shop another person moved aside and told us, 'You are our guests, please go ahead'.  Such small benevolent actions have truly touched my heart and made me come closer to this city.

Chennai truly is a beautiful city and its beauty is not just in the beaches or architecture, its in the heart of the people here. As some wise man said, " A nation is not made of the land or its riches but of living breathing people."

My Rockstar Grandma!!

This is a tribute to an extraordinary lady. She was neither an actress nor a politician.She never was popular or famous.But she changed the life of her children, grandchildren and everyone around her with her sheer charisma and intelligence.
That was my grandma, the late Sara Paulose.

My earliest memories of grandma is of her standing with a cane and terrorizing us kids to have food. She was very particular that we always have a second serving of food from her own hands. She was a strict disciplinarian who never restrained from showing her immense love and affection for everyone.

I have never seen a lady as clever as her. She was sharp and quick witted, a quality that some of her children were lucky to inherit. She always knew what has to be done and did it perfectly. Her decisions were always right and she had this amazing quality of thinking about the future and taking decisions which would prove useful in the long run.

She never hesitated to go against the norms of the society. She was not the kind of person to be tied down by the shackles of the society. For her, everything was clear and she never faulted in her decisions. Even when her drunkard husband was wasting away the family properties, she stood firm as a wall protecting her kids and making sure they got good quality education.

She was nothing short of a doctor. She knew herbs and medicines for any ailments you could think of. There is this one incident that I remember from my childhood. One day while I was sitting in the veranda, an eagle came and snatched a small chick that was playing nearby. My grandma came running and started throwing stones at the eagle. The eagle finally surrendered to the pelting and let the chick go. But the poor thing was hurt very badly. My grandma rushed to its aid with a steel plate and a spoon. She covered the dieing chick with the plate and started beating on the plate in a rhythmic manner. We watched with open mouth as the chick's heart rate started rising and it started getting up by itself. That day, my grandma became a superhero in my eyes.

My grandma used to tell us stories and put us to sleep. We used to crawl up beside her and ask her to repeat the stories. We listened raptly as she told us stories of angels who took human form, about rooms in heaven and so many other beautiful stories.

Even though she was from another decade, she was not averse to the new technologies and ways of living. She was open to change and new ideas. Something I loved a lot about her. She truly was a magnificent lady.

Her demise has left a huge hole in all our lives.She was truly a rock-star grandma!Even now when I smell ayurvedic ointments, it reminds me of my sweet granny. Her white hair, wrinkled face and that beautiful smile. Grandma, you will never be forgotten. Even though you have gone far away from our sight, you will always be alive in our heart.

Dedicated to the best grandma in the world!!!

Chennai Tales

This is my first post from the land of Rajnikanth. Some unexpected turn of events catapulted my life from Kochi to Chennai. And now, I am happily settling in this strange and mysterious city.

 When my friends and relatives heard that I am leaving for Chennai, they were all sympathetic. "Chennai huh? The climate is gonna be horrible", "Poor you..The food there is not at all good and be careful about the water.", "Its a very dirty city" etc etc.. I got so many sympathetic glances and soothing words that I mentally prepared myself to face the demons of this scary sounding city.

As soon as we stepped out of Chennai Central, we were surrounded by a crowd of riksha and taxi walahs, everyone pitting for our attention and asking us where we wanted to go. After lots of bargaining and bickering, we settled for an auto. The man who won the battle turned out to be just a broker and not the real auto driver. From there began my adventurous journey through Chennai.

I remember a fellow blogger writing about how each city sings a different tune, how each city is like a living person with his own characteristics and dark shades. Chennai, I realised has a character of its own. Like everyone even Chennai has different shades. Each of which I'm discovering as days go by.

The autowalah's of Chennai, who are a species of their own.The cows and dogs who inhibit the city and roam freely around coexisting merrily with the human folk. The posh textile shop and the dusty antiquated spare parts shop which exist side by side. The never ending power cuts and doctors who make you do all sort of tests for a simple cold. Chennai is an experience that you shouldn't miss. And I have just started exploring this city and its people.

I'll be back soon to share my Chennai tales.. :)

My Experiments in Teaching

When boredom drove me to the point of insanity, I made the decision, I'm going to take up teaching. My friends had suggested this long time back. But then, I wasn't sure if that is a good idea. My mom is a teacher and my dad used to teach, so I guess teaching is in my blood. But four years of engineering hadn't given me enough confidence to teach engineering subjects. Anyway, I took the risk and I am happy that I did! :)

My social studies teacher and the person I respect the most, Sheela miss had once told us, "Teaching is the most honorable job." Now I know the full depth of those words. As a teacher its not the money that excite you, but the love and respect of your students. For the first time in my life, I am getting results that are exponentially greater than the effort put in. The happiness and satisfaction on a student's face when he has finally understood that baffling concept, the confident smile when he declares, 'I am definitely going to pass this subject'- that is what counts.That is the moment that is going to make your day. Now I know the allure of this career- you get rewarded every single day.

I don't know if I am going to take up teaching as a career in the long run, but right now I am enjoying my tryst with teaching. For the first time in my life I can say with confidence, 'I made a person's life a tiny bit better'. I am loving this.. :)