The Story of Her

I looked down at the yellowing page of my journal. It had been a while since I sat down there under the pale yellow light of my desk lamp staring at the lightly dotted page. My pen cannot catch up with the steady thread of thoughts flying through my head. I decided to just sit and watch as the thoughts passed by, waiting for it to slow down enough for me to write it down. This is what happens when you have been holding back your thoughts way too long. That was another thought that passed through me right there. Where do these streams of thoughts come from? Is it the brain that’s churning them out? Or my mind? Maybe my conscious? What is the difference between the three anyway? No, it’s not going to work out. I give up! I threw down the pen and closed my journal. It looks like this is going to be one of those thought days, not writing days. I heaved a huge sigh and sat back in the chair tilted my face upto the ceiling and watched as the fan whirled on and on above me. I’m not sure how long I sat there like that before sleep took over me and I fell asleep.

It’s the last stretch. Past one hour of hardwork is going to culminate in this last 15 minutes of 45 degree climb. I try to steady my breath and concentrate on the rhythmic fall of footsteps. My backpack must be wet from the sweat washing down my back. But the pain on the side of my stomach and my legs where masking the wet mess. Last stretch, almost there I kept saying to myself. Not bothering to look back at Madan who I assume would be right behind me. Trekking is a form of meditation. Walking in silence is what we both prefer. From the beginning we have shared this level of mutual understanding that lets us feel comfortable with each other’s silence. With him there was noneed of making small talks and there was no compelling need to break awkward silences with random chit chat. We were totally comfortable in each other’s silence. 

Puffing and panting, we fell into the clearing. We had reached the top. I threw down my backpack and let the wind soothe my tired limbs. Bliss! The opium of every trekker. This rewarding moment. Madan and I stood there for a while looking at the beautiful scenery ahead of us. The majestic green mountains standing tall and proud, light blue sky and the soothing wind. “Sun is going to set soon, lets pitch our tent”, said Madan and I couldn’t agree more. Like a pair of worker ants who just got the queen’s orders, we started our work. And in no time the tent was up. Right in time for sitting down and watching the sunset. I took out a blanket from my backpack and we sat inside the tent snuggled under a blanket watching the sun vanish from the sky. Leaning my head on his shoulder I sighed. This must be how heaven feels. Stars peeped out and in the complete darkness of night, they shone bright like a bedazzled black gown on a pretty lady. We spread the blanket on the grass and lay down staring at the galaxy above us. It was getting very chilly but that didn’t matter. I didn’t want to move a muscle and spoil the magic of this night. We lay there for a while holding hands in silence. “Are you happy Nanditha?”, Madan mumbled in my ears. “Yes, I’m Madan. Right now, right here, right this moment, I’m happy.” “How is Raghav?”, he continued. “Somewhere in LA. Some business trip. It’s been few days since I heard from him. But we are pretty used to giving each other space.” “Did you get everything you wanted from this marriage? Are you happy in the States?”. I paused for a minute and listened to the crickets chirping somewhere to the left of us. Lucky crickets, wish I could be worry free like you and chirp away in this mountains forever, I thought. I could feel Madan’s body tensing up from anticipation as he waited patiently for me to wake from my reverie. “ I got more than I wanted Madan. I got a husband, my freedom and a credit card. Maybe not the prince in shining armour and conventional marriage that I always dreamt of as a kid. It was a shock initially but I soon realized it was better than that. Open marriage has given me complete and unrestrained freedom to explore myself and I have learned to understand that true love is completely free. You let this person fly and you watch and feel happy.” “Maybe I’m a little too selfish to understand the concept, Nandita. But I’m happy you are here with me sharing this tiny speck of your life with me. Just mine for these few hours. After this moment passes, I don’t know when we will meet again. But no one can steal the memory of this moment from me. You, me the mountains and all the stars above us”. Madan gently kissed my forehead and wrapped me tightly in his arms. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of warmth and peace wash over me in this moment of pure unaltered love.

A sharp pain in the neck suddenly shook me awake. My head had just hit the side of the chair. I looked at the clock on my desk. Half past 4. I had slept for a good few hours but it felt so short. Let me jot this down before I forget. I grabbed the pen and opened my journal and started scribbling down the story. The story of Her..  

The Knight in Shining Armor

Once upon a time in a small village tucked far away in a beautiful green country, there lived a girl. She was just like all the other girls in the village. She liked playing in the park, she liked laughing with her friends, her eyes lit up when she gazed at the stars, she liked flying high on the swings, she loved playing mother as she made little blobs of mud cakes for her make believe family and she loved spending time with her story books. She had a perfect little life. But then slowly the demons of society started catching up with her. Soon she realized that her body was a thing of beauty and pain. Grown men would lust after what she never thought would matter. She didn't understand what really happened when for the first time a man groped her. It felt weirdly uncomfortable and strange. She never felt weird when her mom bathed her or her dad carried her on his shoulder. Neither did she feel uncomfortable when aunts pinched her cheek or uncles patted her head. She couldn't really place this new feeling that she was having. Should she feel ashamed or should she feel sad? Or did she just have a bad dream and mistake it for real. She couldn't really say. As she grew up, her mother taught her not to trust men. And she took it to her heart as slowly she started seeing the filth in the society around her. Her fight or flight instinct would kick in at the slowest provocation. Being alone in any room with a guy turned her senses on over drive. She would feel a lump on her throat and she would gulp down her fear. But she was a brave girl. She stood strong and took on her fear. She let her self believe again in the goodness of people. She convinced herself that not all men are bad. She took down the demons from her mind. She was a happy girl again. She let her guard down and let herself fall in love. It was a beautiful feeling. She started smiling to herself all the time. She woke up with happiness in her heart. For the first time she felt the need to look good. She would catch herself looking at her reflection on the small puddle on the way to school. She would write her eyes with jet black kaajal and put on her light pink lipgloss to give her best to her love. She wanted him to love her like he had never loved anyone. She wanted to call him her own. She wanted him to have eyes only for her. She would gaze at his strong hairy arms and would dream of holding it all day. She wrote his name a hundred times behind her maths notebook. It felt like every waking moment of her life was spent in the anticipation of meeting him. She wanted him to be her knight in shining armor, protecting her from the big bad world. She was ready to give her whole heart and soul to him. But he wanted more. He wanted her naked body. Her body didn't mean as much to her as his love. She was willing to give it to him for his love and affection. And for the first time in her life she felt the pleasures of flesh. She felt the pleasure of naked bodies touching each other, the pictures we draw with our mouth, the heat of a man's breath against her face. She felt it all that day. And the next day he was gone. He left without a trace and she was left standing alone in a very large and menacing world. Her heart broke into a million tiny pieces. She felt guilty and ashamed at herself. The shame overcame her sadness and spread a gloomy veil over what was left of her heart. She blamed herself for letting her guard down. She blamed herself for trusting. Her knight in shining armor had just turned back and stabbed her. But our little girl was brave. She knew she had to move on. She couldn't tell anyone her secret because she felt deeply ashamed. So she collected all the million pieces of her heart and glued it together the best way she could. And life did move on. She passed out of school and college with flying colors. She was extremely happy when she landed her first job. She was ready to join the league of adults and explore the world beyond her small village. With packed bags and eyes full of dreams, she boarded the flight to the land of her dreams. The big city overwhelmed her with its bustling streets and crowded shops. But she loved every bit of it. She loved her job, her new friends. Life was beautiful again. She spent hours shopping with her hard earned money, she started going clubbing on weekends and on long road trips with her best friends. But the demons were still waiting for her in the dark corners of her tiny little world. And they found the right time when her male friend from back home decided to visit her. She was happy to see an old and familiar face in the big new city. She welcomed him and happily showed him around the town. But he was barely amused by the city. What amused him more was how the little young girl from his childhood had blossomed into a beautiful young woman. For her he was still the young childhood friend with whom she grew up playing cute little games. She was unprepared to face his lustful advances. She didn't know how to react when he tried to forcefully kiss her. She was lost and utterly speechless. The power of a male's grasp scared her. She had never felt this helpless before. She felt scared and desperate. She pushed him away with all her might but her mind was scarred forever. She cried in her prayer. Where is my knight? She wondered. Where is the person who shares my rib and is sworn to protect me from this big bad world. As if in answer to her prayer, she met someone. He was handsome and loving and he loved her with all his heart. She loved him too with all her heart. But was it real love or her need to find a protector? As time went on, their relationship saw many springs and winters. They fought madly and loved deeply. She felt she could get lost in his arms and he felt he could never live a minute without her. Time ripened their relation but fate challenged it when he got transferred to a distant city. With tears in her eyes and promises to never let the distance break them, she bid him goodbye. True to their word, the love was strong and they spent their nights talking and making up for the distance. But she was again alone in the day. She had friends but everyone was busy chasing their own dreams. She would spend the weekends walking alone on the beach and reading books by her balcony. She would occasionally go out for a movie or try out new restaurants. She missed her love but she missed companionship even more. So when her colleague and good friend of long time asked her if she wanted to check out this cool new bookstore, she was happy to go along. She had known him for a long time now and he was a good friend of her love. So, she suspected nothing devious in his invite. But the demons were smirking at her from the corner of the artfully decorated bookshelf. As if to grab a book behind her, her colleague leaned over and  pressed his hand over her body. She froze as she realized what had happened. He acted like it never happened and she felt disgusted. The same old feeling from her childhood creeped back into her. The confusion, the disgust, the weirdness, it all came back in an instant. She felt betrayed. She felt angry. She felt scared and helpless. She felt angry at her colleague but she felt even more angry at herself for not slapping him. She felt angry at not reacting to him the way he deserved. She felt angry that even after all these years and so many mistreatments, she still didn't know how to react strongly in these situations. And she felt angry at her love. Where was he when she was mistreated. Where was the guy who is supposed to protect her when she was shamed. Where was her knight? She cried herself to sleep. Next day she called her love and told him that he had failed her. He didn't understand her mumbled words and misplaced tears. He didn't know what to say. She felt betrayed by him. But he didn't understand. She didn't love him anymore she told him. Love turned sour and then bitter over time as the trust was broken and more broken was her scarred mind. He never understood what he did wrong. But she had lost the faith. Our young little girl tried to be brave. She started questioning herself on why it was happening to her over and over again. She pondered over the question many times running different scenarios over and over in her head. One day while typing away on her office computer, it dawned on her. She was the knight in shining armor that she was searching for. She was searching far and wide for her protector while all along, the knight was in her. She thought her love should protect her from the big bad world. But she was the only one who could do that. She had to build the strength in her to fight back. She had to train herself to fight back. The story books were wrong. No knight in shining armor would ever come. The knight was in her all along. Our brave little girl will keep fighting for she has just discovered her knight. Life goes on and so will the fight..

Moving On

Its one of the most difficult things in life, moving on. Moving on from a relationship, job, place; it could be anything. Change in general is a difficult thing for most of us. We get so accustomed to the warmth of the familiar that even though we know its time to leave, we just stick on. Not because its the best thing to do but because its the easiest thing; the most convenient thing. If something doesn't grow you personally, professionally or spiritually, it has outlived its purpose. Decluttering your life just like your wardrobe can be a very rewarding experience. Moving on from a relationship especially is a very sensitive and emotionally taxing activity. Having been in and out of my fair share of emotional roller coasters and having witnessed a lot of people going through the same, I have gained some insights on the topic.


A lot of people keep coming and going from our lives on a daily basis. Some that we happen to share a seat with on a crowded bus or subway. Some we meet regularly on the way to work or on the way back from library. A few we talk to and then totally forget about. Some people leave a lasting impression with just one meeting. I don't think I'll ever forget the retired book publisher who bowled me over with his knowledge and chivalry or the waitress who gave me a sound bit of advice and moral boost at a time when I really needed it. Some people we have known for years. Few who came into our lives during a particular phase and stayed on while some others who parted ways. Whatever the relationship or the duration we knew these people for, everyone in our life adds some value. They bring their uniqueness and ideals to our life and adds value to our life knowingly or unknowingly. And once they serve the purpose, they leave. And that is how life is. Whether we like it or not, that's how its going to be. Hanging on to those who need to leave will just drain your energy and spoil the good relationship we had. Sometimes, letting go is the best thing you can do to a relationship. Maybe if I had kept in touch with the ex-book publisher and gotten closer to him, I would have found out things about him that would make me dislike him. The waitress might turn out to be a nasty woman. The magic that those few minutes or few days create might not survive in the long run. So, its actually good that not everything lasts long.


A major problem in not so great relationships is the question of whether to stay or leave. Should I give the relationship another chance? Maybe the other person will change. Maybe I can change. Maybe its all about adjusting. These are rather difficult and very personal questions that most of us ask ourselves during different stages of a relationship. Yes, no relationship is perfect. All relationships are build on mutual understanding and compromises. But there is a thin line between compromising and sacrificing oneself. In Indian culture a lot of importance is given to self sacrifice. If you sacrifice your comfort for other people's happiness, that is a noble virtue. I do not disagree with the goodness of this person's heart. But how long can you sacrifice your desires before it starts weighing heavily on your heart. As long as you can sacrifice and not have even an ounce of regret about it, you are good. But the moment the sacrifice becomes a burden, you are not just hurting yourself but the relationship. And often the biggest of lies are the lies that we tell ourselves. We lie to our heart and convince ourselves that we are alright with the sacrifices. That we are happy in the relationship. Being in touch with our own feelings is often a very difficult thing for most of us. We are ashamed of our feelings of jealousy, hatred and selfishness. We know that in an ideal situation, we shouldn't be having those feelings. Logic says its not reasonable to have these feelings right now but our heart doesn't understand logic. So we lie to ourselves. Its alright to feel ashamed, jealous, proud and selfish sometimes. After all, we are mere mortals with our own little flaws and weirdness. And being honest to ourselves and admitting these feelings are way better than hiding them from ourselves. If there is one person who was there with you from your birth and will be there till your death, its you and your conscience. The person you see in the mirror everyday is your best friend and companion for life. You owe it to that person to keep yourself happy. When deciding on this and any other big decisions in life, just ask yourself, is this going to make me happy in the long run? Be completely honest and receptive to the answer you get. Maybe you won't like what you hear. But you deserve to be happy and that little voice that answered knows what's best for you.


Everyone deserves to be happy in this world. At least we owe it to ourselves not to settle for anything that is less than what we deserve. Embrace things that grow you and even if it seems difficult right now, make those choices that need to be made. We are here to learn and grow and enjoy the simple pleasures of life worry free.

Retrospection

I'm looking at me through the stained glasses of time

And I can see my adolescent younger self staring back 

You look so young and naive, I tell my younger shadow

You look tired and old is what she replies

The wrinkles on my skin are trophies of a million laughs

The saggy skin, a sign of all the adventures

The grey hair I acquired through my years of experience 

My beautiful body I traded for good times and wonderful adventures 

But on the road to autumn years, I lost my innocence somewhere

I searched wide and far, but gave up tired and somber

Tell me where my pretty little friend, can I find my soul

She leaned in closer, smiled and whispered so in my ear

On the path to great adventures and greater success

You lost your self to the reality of this world

But maybe my dear friend, its not that bad 

Maybe someone somewhere wrote, the garments you should loose

As you march on through the journey of life

Maybe you didn't loose yourself, maybe you didn't loose it all 

Maybe you should go in deep to come out on the other end

Maybe the path to self has a worldly chapter you must read
Maybe there is no right or wrong paths, just paths that we take
Wrong or right, simple or weird, destination is just one
Go where your heart takes you, take risks and take chances
Go fearlessly to places you wanna be, there is no right and no wrong
Just lessons learned and lessons to be learned
I stared in wonder at my self, what wise thoughts you bear
And here I thought my age taught me more
All the wisdom of the world is in you my dear friend, she said
You mask it with your maddening world and forget what you already know
I knew it in me all along but you had to find it on your own
And thats the beauty of this world, in plain sight it hides it all
And there I sat as pictures faded, leaving me with more clarity
Now I see my old withering self, but in a renewed light
Forward my tired limbs you march, the journey never ends
But rest in peace knowing the truth that all roads lead to thee..

Rumi

One of my favorite verses from bible is Mathew 7:7


     Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek and ye shall find;
     Knock, and it shall be opened onto you


There have been many instances in my life when I found this to be true. When I ask and pray with all my heart, I do get answers. It comes in different ways and forms, but it comes for sure. Today was one such day. And I found my answer in the form of a beautiful Rumi poem. I wanted to share it with you guys. Who knows, it might be what you needed to hear all along..

Oh, if a tree could wander
     and move with foot and wings!
It would not suffer the axe blows
     and not the pain of saws!
For would the sun not wander
     away in every night
   How could at every morning
     the world be lighted up?
And if the ocean's water
     would not rise to the sky,
How would the plants be quickened
     by streams and gentle rain?
The drop that left its homeland,
     the sea, and then returned
    It found an oyster waiting
     and grew into a pearl.
Did Yusaf not leave his father,
     in grief and tears and despair?
Did he not, by such a journey,
     gain kingdom and fortune wide?
Did not the Prophet travel
     to far Medina, friend?
And there he found a new kingdom
     and ruled a hundred lands.
You lack a foot to travel?
     Then journey into yourself!
And like a mine of rubies
     receive the sunbeams' print!
Out of yourself ? such a journey
     will lead you to your self,
It leads to transformation
     of dust into pure gold!

 - Look! This is Love - Poems of Rumi,
Annemarie Schimme

A Journey into Spirituality

I have been on a journey. It didn't start yesterday or the week before. Neither last month nor the past year. This journey began even before I was born. Even before my soul chose this lifetime, long long before that I had started the journey. This journey that does not end with my lifetime; will continue long after my body decays. This journey of self realization and truth. 

Even if I don't know the starting point, I know for sure that my search for truth always intensified after big set backs. Love and loss, joblessness, depression everything lead me to probe deeper and deeper into the questions. Books were my first best friends. I searched for answers in Vedas, Bhagavad Gita, Bible, Koran and in the writings of Osho, Buddha and Socrates. The wordings were different but all the books pointed to one underlying principle - love. Love for all creatures living or dead, unconditional love for friends and enemies. Every scripture hides the same truth in its eloquent language and poetic verses. 

The second stage of practicing and imbibing the preachings were tougher. How can you love the person you hate to the bones? Can anyone do it? Yes, everyone can do it with lot of practice. The innate nature of human mind is kindness and love. We pollute it with hatred and bitterness. The more pollutants you add to your mind, the more difficult it becomes to unravel the hidden gems. Everyone in this world is different. The paths that work best for me might not work for you. That is where the importance of individual spiritual journey lies. You have to tread the path alone because you are the only person who knows what works best for you. I have been trying many different pathways trying to figure out what fits me. I never stop searching for new alleyways and side roads. Read, meditate, pray, practice kindness and find out what brings more joy and clarity to your thoughts. Even if you find a path, if you don't tread it often, it can become overgrown with shrubs and thorny plants. That is why you have to try and fit in spiritual study of some form into your life everyday. Doesn't matter what kind of study you do. All the paths ultimately lead to the same truth. And never rest thinking you have reached the end. If you think you have understood everything you might well be on square one. I try and learn everyday about myself, about the world around, the great plans of the creator and above all the power of love and kindness. This study never ends. Setbacks in life are my measuring sticks for progress. They remind me of the long journey ahead. 

So after a long hiatus, I'm writing to call on you, my readers, to venture into those uncharted waters. Start your individual journey if you haven't. If you are on the path, let me cheer you on. Never stop exploring this wonderful world of ours and the million questions it raises. Find your spiritual self and explore, for that is the ultimate purpose of this life on earth. Stay tuned to learn more about my own spiritual journey and experiences. 

Coping With Life

Last day while talking to a friend, amidst trivial talks, she made a comment, "I envy you. You just walk into a restaurant in a strange city and order a coffee and sit and enjoy it all alone. I have never done anything like that. I'm terrified of it. Even the thought of walking into a strange hotel by myself scares me."

When someone puts it that way, yes, its exciting. For most of you this might seem like a stupid thing to be jealous of. Everyone does that, don't they? Well I didn't until last year. Even I was terrified of going alone into a restaurant and sitting down without fretting about what people might be thinking of me or of doing something stupid. Being alone isn't easy. Not for many of us. Being alone and totally comfortable with it. Enjoying your own company. Not worrying about people thinking you are a loser with no friends. Or just of going alone into an unknown place. All that is out of bounds for people like me. Or it was.

Being alone in a strange city miles away from home with no one to call a good friend, company becomes a luxury. And you learn to go on. You learn to cope with the unknown. You learn to enjoy your own company or the company of the stranger sitting right across you and occasionally lifting his head up from the newspaper to smile at you. You learn to sit back and watch life as it rolls by. You learn that how much ever people pretend to care, they don't care as much about your life as you. If you want something, you have to do it by yourself. Life has this amazing quality. It makes you take the hit and then teaches you to stand up and fight back. You never know how far you can go until you push your limits further and further. I took the hit and I learned to stand up. And so can anyone. Its always tough, the first step. It took me 2 days of contemplation, a leap of faith and extreme hunger to go all alone to the restaurant just across my apartment. But after you make that first step, it gets easier and easier.

At some point in our life, we are bound to face situations which we never expected. Never think you cannot do it. Remember you never know what you are capable of until you push yourself. Having dealt with loneliness, hunger, depression and fear, I have learnt to appreciate those little things in life. Now when I have food in front of me, I thank God for it. When I have friends who stay on the line for hours at a stretch trying to cheer me, I thank God for the good company I have. When one of my student brings me his sketch book and shows everything that he has drawn, I thank God for the smile on my face. I have come out of everything learning some valuable lessons on appreciating all the small and big things that I have. No one said life is easy. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, ALWAYS. And its definitely worth struggling for. :)

Yearning For Home

The wind of this land can touch nothing but my bare skin

The rain that falls softly just cools my tired limbs

Birds here sing sweetly but their language I do not know

The land my feet touches, crunches in a strange whisper

The people smile broadly here and land stretches beyond sight

The food and the drinks whet my appetite but doesn't quench the fire

My eyes keep searching for that bright array of in-congruent colors

My ears can't stop listening for those blaring horns and tingling bells

I love this land that feeds me but its not home

I love the people, the food and the warm greetings but its not home

I love the birds, the dogs and the kittens but this is not home

I can leave my body and soul here but my heart is far away, in my home

Miles to Go

Miles have I traveled
Miles more lie ahead
Endlessly did I search
Destination never did I reach
All I wanted was to move on
Standing on the middle of the road
Now my heart yearns only for home

Having done my schooling and college life close to home, all I ever wanted was to get out of home and explore the world. And I got my wish. It was just like I had imagined - endless freedom. No one to question your odd timings or late night roaming (excluding the guard of our apartment), no one to scold you for eating maggie noodles three times a day, no one to stop you from shopping all day long, no one to censure you for staying up all night watching your favorite series. Yes, it was a time to break all rules.

But soon enough, I learned why there where rules. I learned why parents didn't want me to be out late. I learned some big lessons about health and why its important to take care of yourself. Learnt how tricky it was to manage money, how easy it is to loose track of your spending. Learnt why its important to sleep early to wake up and have a fresh start and productive day.  I learnt so much about people and even more about myself. I learnt that you might like being alone but that too has a limit. Staying alone in a house, I learnt pipes are messy things and that everything is fine until one decides to burst or get blocked. I learnt that food is important and that hunger can be painful. I learnt that money is important but more important is job satisfaction. I learnt that and a hell lot of other things.

Over the years, I have come a lot closer to being an independent woman. I have changed a few conceptions that I had, renewed a few others and completely destroyed my views on few others. I have seen a lot of people and learnt to respect people and their choices. I have understood its a mistake to judge people and the more people I meet, the more I am convinced that people are inherently good. Of all the things that I learnt, the most important lessons were about myself. Now I know, self discovery is the biggest of all discoveries. The person you see on the mirror is the puzzle that God has cleverly drafted for you. When Swami Vivekananda said that all the knowledge of the world is within you, he had a point. Never ever under estimate yourself and your abilities. Until you stretch your limits, you never know how far you can go. Until you dream big, you can never achieve it.

When I look back, I am happy with the way I have come and where I have reached. I am thankful for all the good and bad experiences that I have had. They have molded me and made me what I am today. Things that didn't kill me definitely made me stronger. Smooth roads don't make good drivers, the crooked and narrow ones do. The hardships I have faced helped me more than the good days to shape and redefine me and my core principles and values. If there is one point that I want you guys to take from this article, it will be this, " Be open to change. Life can get really tough at times but understand that its life's way of teaching you and making you a better person. some lessons have to be learned the hard way! "

Sanity & Insanity

My name is Aashitha. Yes, Aashitha with two As. I guess my parents wanted me to be first in everything and two As ensured that mine was the first name to be called out in every line, every test and every single place I go. Oh, how I hated my name as a child. Apart from those fun facts, I am quite a normal person. Maybe a little eccentric to some people. But that might be because I think a little different or maybe because I paint pictures that nobody understands. But I think I am a very sane person, more than them for sure.


I don't remember exactly when people started calling me crazy. The first time I remember, was when I told my friends that I don't know who Aashitha is. Tell me, do you really know who you are? People know me by my face. I know myself by what my parents chose to call me. But who knows the real me. I don't own all my thoughts, I don't know what my emotion will be the very next moment. I am not even fully honest to myself. I am scared of my innermost feeling, I hide them even from myself, my deepest thoughts and worries are buried in me. I truly don't know who I am. Do you know who you are? Have you understood yourself 100%? I know you don't. Then why do people call me crazy?

Another reason people find is my paintings. My earliest paintings were colorful scratches on the walls of my home. My Dad used to shout at me for spoiling the walls. But I couldn't stop it. I had to draw. No one gave me prizes in painting competitions. No one understood my paintings. The teachers in my school were all figurative painters. They never tried to understand the abstract in my paintings. Neither did my parents. They wanted me to study science and maths. But all I could do was scratch an image of a spiraling circle or a five pointed star with an elliptical center on the corners of my maths note book. I didn't want to know why earth was round or how many apples are left in the basket after eating two. I was interested in shapes, in colors, in the surreal world which was beckoning me. I couldn't stop painting. I had to draw. My pictures where like a particularly stubborn vomit that had to get out of my throat. I often felt my hands had a mind of their own. My parents never understood it. They shouted at me, beat me, locked me in room for days. Did everything they could to make me stop scribbling and scratching, as they call it. But I couldn't. Finally, I chopped my right hand off. I thought it will make my parent's happy. Now, I won't be able to draw. My hands can't control me. I thought my parents will be happy. I thought they will finally smile at me and say, 'Good girl!'. I was happy even through the pain as I thought of my parent's smiling place.

But I was wrong. They called me crazy and locked me in this cell. But its alright. Nobody calls me crazy here and I have learned to write perfectly with my left hand now. I can even draw perfect circles. I hope my parents are fine with me drawing because my hand has started taking control of me.. again.. Hope they are not angry at me. Hope they won't start calling me crazy..again..

Being A Girl

Been a while since I wrote a poem. This is one of those crazy poems that should be thrown away but manages to crawl into my blog. A little dark and a lot crazy, that's just the way this is going to be.

I sweep across the rough terrain
Like a wind in raging fury
Trees I uproot, rocks I grind
That is just me, being me..

I pour my heart on the thirsty earth
My soul lay bleeding for the desolete
Fury melts and sunshine spreads
That is just me, being me..

The darkest nadir my mind traverse
A robe of despair I wrap
Gloom I spread and trenches I dig
That is just me, being me..

I can woo the king and make a jester laugh
Wheels of fortune, I hold in hand
I fight with my look and win with words
That is just me, being me..

A whore and a goddess live in me
Unpredictable calmness and bouts of madness
I hold it all in the tip of my finger
That is just me, being me..

I sing like a robin's first spring melody
My grace has you staring spellbound
With the tilt of my head I can win hearts
That is just me, being me..

Scorching sun is a cool breeze
When you have me glaring in your dreams
Mercy is rare and no second chances
That is just me, being me..

Crazy, Mad, Wild and Sweet
I change myself in fraction of a second

Take or leave but never can you deny
The power I wield in my colored nail tips!

2014 !!

Yey!! Another new year has arrived.. I wish everyone all the happiness in the world. May love and peace find its way into your life this 2014.

2013 was a really eventful and fun year for me and the memories that the year has left behind is truly unforgettable. But I have a feeling 2014 is going to be even more fun. This new year, I did not take any resolutions. Why take one and then live through rest of the year regretting about not living up to it? ;) 

But I do have a new year thought to give my friends ( Nope, I am not planning to stop my preaching! :P ). My almost 1 year of corporate life has come to an end and this is the one piece of advise that I took with me as I left.
'Take ownership of your life. Be brave enough to move out of your comfort zone and explore' 

The line simply means, we have to own our lives and take responsibility for it. Nobody else is or should be responsible for our life. We have the power to make or break it. The path of our life is often set by a series of big or small decisions that we take. Where to study, where to work, should I shift to a new house, should I take that loan, should I attend that meeting etc etc. The seemingly small decisions and few big ones set our life in a trajectory. Its difficult to make these decisions and easy to follow what others think you must do. You can always blame them if anything goes wrong. I personally feel that whether we break or make our life, the decisions should come from us. I am not saying that we should not listen to others. We should listen to other people's opinions and suggestions but the final decision should be yours. You have one life, take control of it.

The famous book of Herman Hesse, 'Siddhartha' tells the story of the spiritual journey of a man. Siddhartha follows his heart and it takes him around a twisted maze of experiences. From the life of a Brahmin boy to that of a Samana and later a wealthy and selfish merchant. Through all the myriad pathways of life does he travel to finally reach the ultimate state of enlightenment. He had choices in his path. He could have been a Buddhist scholar, a devoted Buddhist, a rich and famous merchant. But he was not tied down by the seemingly comfortable lifestyles. He listened to his heart and its weird instructions, moved out of his comfort zones and finally got rewarded. He took ownership of his life. He took his own decisions even when his friends and family opposed. He was brave enough to follow his heart.

From my personal experience, I know how difficult it is to move out of our comfort zone and make that leap of faith. It will be scary and depressing but that is just the way we learn and grow. Nothing in life is easy but there is a reason why it is so. Life rewards those who are ready to take that leap. To take chances, risk failure, disappointment but still go on. The only way of learning and expanding your horizon is by slowly moving out of your comfort zones. You challenge yourself and learn. The satisfaction that is waiting for you at the end of that path is just unexplainable. And it all starts with a small step of faith.

So, let me just put a new year thought in your mind. Be brave. Brave enough to follow your heart, take ownership of your life and move out of your comfort zone. Explore, learn and never stop! :) Happy New Year!! :)

Chennai Tales - Part 2

Its been 7 months in this city and my initial skepticism has slowly turned into awe and wonder. There is something about Chennai that is far beyond the rugged, dusty and colorless terrain.

As I have already wrote in my earlier post, the soul of every city sings a tune that is unique and beautiful. The music I hear here is a potpourri of the old and the new. Of hardcore rock and south Indian classical music. Where else can you see people who hold the old and the new equally close to their heart. In malls here, while rock concerts go on in ground floor, classical concert happen on the top floor. And both have an equal number of admirers. Its truly spectacular how the people here appreciate and welcome the new trends while never leaving the grip on the old traditions.

The people here are the most welcoming and warm hearted people I have ever met. They truly live upto the vedic verse, 'Atithi devo bhava' which means, treat guests as Gods. My tamil friends go out of their way to make us feel welcome and comfortable. Even strangers have been kind and friendly. The uncle to whom I enquired about a train to my place guided me to the train and ensured that I got into the ladies compartment. While waiting in line at a tendor coconut shop another person moved aside and told us, 'You are our guests, please go ahead'.  Such small benevolent actions have truly touched my heart and made me come closer to this city.

Chennai truly is a beautiful city and its beauty is not just in the beaches or architecture, its in the heart of the people here. As some wise man said, " A nation is not made of the land or its riches but of living breathing people."

My Rockstar Grandma!!

This is a tribute to an extraordinary lady. She was neither an actress nor a politician.She never was popular or famous.But she changed the life of her children, grandchildren and everyone around her with her sheer charisma and intelligence.
That was my grandma, the late Sara Paulose.

My earliest memories of grandma is of her standing with a cane and terrorizing us kids to have food. She was very particular that we always have a second serving of food from her own hands. She was a strict disciplinarian who never restrained from showing her immense love and affection for everyone.

I have never seen a lady as clever as her. She was sharp and quick witted, a quality that some of her children were lucky to inherit. She always knew what has to be done and did it perfectly. Her decisions were always right and she had this amazing quality of thinking about the future and taking decisions which would prove useful in the long run.

She never hesitated to go against the norms of the society. She was not the kind of person to be tied down by the shackles of the society. For her, everything was clear and she never faulted in her decisions. Even when her drunkard husband was wasting away the family properties, she stood firm as a wall protecting her kids and making sure they got good quality education.

She was nothing short of a doctor. She knew herbs and medicines for any ailments you could think of. There is this one incident that I remember from my childhood. One day while I was sitting in the veranda, an eagle came and snatched a small chick that was playing nearby. My grandma came running and started throwing stones at the eagle. The eagle finally surrendered to the pelting and let the chick go. But the poor thing was hurt very badly. My grandma rushed to its aid with a steel plate and a spoon. She covered the dieing chick with the plate and started beating on the plate in a rhythmic manner. We watched with open mouth as the chick's heart rate started rising and it started getting up by itself. That day, my grandma became a superhero in my eyes.

My grandma used to tell us stories and put us to sleep. We used to crawl up beside her and ask her to repeat the stories. We listened raptly as she told us stories of angels who took human form, about rooms in heaven and so many other beautiful stories.

Even though she was from another decade, she was not averse to the new technologies and ways of living. She was open to change and new ideas. Something I loved a lot about her. She truly was a magnificent lady.

Her demise has left a huge hole in all our lives.She was truly a rock-star grandma!Even now when I smell ayurvedic ointments, it reminds me of my sweet granny. Her white hair, wrinkled face and that beautiful smile. Grandma, you will never be forgotten. Even though you have gone far away from our sight, you will always be alive in our heart.

Dedicated to the best grandma in the world!!!

Chennai Tales

This is my first post from the land of Rajnikanth. Some unexpected turn of events catapulted my life from Kochi to Chennai. And now, I am happily settling in this strange and mysterious city.

 When my friends and relatives heard that I am leaving for Chennai, they were all sympathetic. "Chennai huh? The climate is gonna be horrible", "Poor you..The food there is not at all good and be careful about the water.", "Its a very dirty city" etc etc.. I got so many sympathetic glances and soothing words that I mentally prepared myself to face the demons of this scary sounding city.

As soon as we stepped out of Chennai Central, we were surrounded by a crowd of riksha and taxi walahs, everyone pitting for our attention and asking us where we wanted to go. After lots of bargaining and bickering, we settled for an auto. The man who won the battle turned out to be just a broker and not the real auto driver. From there began my adventurous journey through Chennai.

I remember a fellow blogger writing about how each city sings a different tune, how each city is like a living person with his own characteristics and dark shades. Chennai, I realised has a character of its own. Like everyone even Chennai has different shades. Each of which I'm discovering as days go by.

The autowalah's of Chennai, who are a species of their own.The cows and dogs who inhibit the city and roam freely around coexisting merrily with the human folk. The posh textile shop and the dusty antiquated spare parts shop which exist side by side. The never ending power cuts and doctors who make you do all sort of tests for a simple cold. Chennai is an experience that you shouldn't miss. And I have just started exploring this city and its people.

I'll be back soon to share my Chennai tales.. :)

My Experiments in Teaching

When boredom drove me to the point of insanity, I made the decision, I'm going to take up teaching. My friends had suggested this long time back. But then, I wasn't sure if that is a good idea. My mom is a teacher and my dad used to teach, so I guess teaching is in my blood. But four years of engineering hadn't given me enough confidence to teach engineering subjects. Anyway, I took the risk and I am happy that I did! :)

My social studies teacher and the person I respect the most, Sheela miss had once told us, "Teaching is the most honorable job." Now I know the full depth of those words. As a teacher its not the money that excite you, but the love and respect of your students. For the first time in my life, I am getting results that are exponentially greater than the effort put in. The happiness and satisfaction on a student's face when he has finally understood that baffling concept, the confident smile when he declares, 'I am definitely going to pass this subject'- that is what counts.That is the moment that is going to make your day. Now I know the allure of this career- you get rewarded every single day.

I don't know if I am going to take up teaching as a career in the long run, but right now I am enjoying my tryst with teaching. For the first time in my life I can say with confidence, 'I made a person's life a tiny bit better'. I am loving this.. :)

New Beginning

 

Its new year..!! A time for new beginnings.. A time to be thankful for the good things that happened last year, to be thankful for the bad experiences which taught us valuable lessons.. A time to welcome a brand new year..

Wishing you all a very happy 2013!! :)

Wedding Woes

Up till now, marriage was a distant concept that I didn't really give much thought to. " Marriage is for grown ups, I am just a kid ",  was what I had in mind. After my college ended, slowly the concept of  marriage started looming large. There were news of my friends getting engaged and some batch mates marrying. I watched it with amazement. "Why are they marrying so early?", I often wondered.

Today, my close friend got married and I haven't really got over the shock. Of course I am really happy for her. She got a really great person as her husband and she is very happy. But the concept of my friend growing up and becoming a responsible wife, is scary. How is she bearing the stress of leaving her parents and going into a strange house, how is she going to adjust with the people there. I guess I am more tensed than her. Marriage, for me, is scary!More so because, " when are you planning to get married?", has become the new favorite question of people around me.

Most of the girls I know have taken to the idea of marriage like its the next most natural thing. They don't even question if its a necessity in life. They are the lucky ones who can be happy with the idea of marriage and a settled life. For the rest of us, marriage is not the next big thing. Some people might find it surprising to know that we girls do have dreams that do not involve husband and kids.

If you are in India and did not doz off for the last few years,  you would be familiar with the Indian marriage market. Every girl (and guy) is put up for a selling price that is directly proportional to the background of her family, her education and looks. I have friends whose sole purpose of earning a degree was to win a better groom and up their value in the marriage market. Some others were asked to take down their pictures from social networking sites (specially ones involving male friends) to project a clean image in front of the prospective groom. I even had a guy remark, " My brother's bride is a very good girl, she doesn't even have an fb account". What the hell? If you believe that having an fb account is a negative mark, then you ought to get your head examined, Mr.

Of late, the bar for marriageable age has come down significantly. Men and women marry young at an age when marriage is nothing but a fascinating concept. I remember an episode of a reality show involving mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws where, a girl asked her husband's mother why she let her son marry at a young age of 22. Her concerns were genuine, the guy wasn't mature enough for marriage and it was the girl who had to bear the brunt.

When I was talking about my concerns of people marrying at a younger age, it was my cousin who enlightened me on the biological aspects of it. With changing times and changing lifestyles, the fertile period of a woman's life is coming down to a period between the age of  20-30. Beyond the age, child bearing becomes increasingly difficult and complicated. So, doctors recommend women to marry young.

Now the question arises, what should we give importance to, the biological aspects or the psychological ones. Should we marry young and immature for the sake of fertility concerns or should we take the risk and wait till we are ready for marriage. I will go with the second option any time.

As with most of the things, its a personal choice, whether to marry in early 20s or early 30s or whether to stay single forever. There is no right and wrong in marriageable age. The right age is when you are ready.

I have to say this on behalf of thousands of girls like me. Society, you can force us as much as you want. But we have dreams and aims and wide blue sky to soar. Prince charming can wait till we say we are ready. Because, we respect the institution of marriage so much that we are not taking  lifelong commitment in the rush of a moment.

Questions and Answers

"Do you believe in love?"

I was startled by the question that was being posed.

"Yes, I do"

I didn't have to pause even for a second to answer the question. But in my heart I knew, I wasn't being 100% percent honest. It hurts to believe in love but it hurts even more not to believe in love. But at the moment, my intense philosophy wasn't what my friend needed. I gave the answer he needed to hear.

"How do you know when you meet the person for you?"

Next question was trickier.

"I wish I knew " was what I thought. But, I quoted what Paulo Coelho would say.

"By taking risks. By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."

Words are so much easier than the real thing. I don't even know if he believed me. But he had got an answer.

"If I had to choose between giving up on Love and trying once more to make her fall for me, what do you think I should choose?"

"Follow your heart. What do you really want to do?"

"The second option?"

"Good choice. Give love a second chance. It might not work out in the long run, but then you won't have to live with the regret of not having tried your best. "

Love is the weirdest thing in this world. Its simple yet so complicated. Who can know all the nuances of Love. Yet, I keep answering questions hiding the fact that I am as clueless as the questioner.

Ways To Help Women Stay Safe

October is my second favourite month (December comes first by the way! ) and it also happens to be the 'Violence Against Women Awareness Month'. So, this post is about a rabid and disgusting disease that is plaguing India - violence against women, and on how to ensure our safety!  India has been crowned the worst place to be a woman (among G20 nations) and I'm not surprised. Everyday, newspapers bring news of women being molested in different parts of the country. And true to our motto of 'unity in diversity', women all over India are united in suffering from eve teasing and violent forms of sexual abuse.

Kerala is supposed to be a state of educated and socially aware and responsible people but we are not better off in providing safety and security to the women folk. Infact, Kerala has surprised everyone by topping the list as the state with the most number of crimes being reported against women. We try to convince ourselves by saying that its because the crimes get reported here unlike in other states. But no one can turn their heads to the fact that in Kerala, women are getting raped in trains, homes and workplaces. A few days back there was a shocking story of a sick, bed ridden mother and her daughter who were raped in broad day light by two men who broke into their house.

There is also another form of violence that often goes unreported - eve teasing. The word 'eve teasing' itself  is very misgiving. It sounds like some kind of mild amusement, which its not! Any form of abusive action committed against women which falls short of rape, comes under 'eve teasing'. Almost every girl I know have at least once witnessed or experienced some form of eve teasing. That is how rampant it is.

Talking about our problems and worrying is not gonna make much difference, its time to act.We cannot always expect the men folk to come to our aid. Understanding our weakness and overcoming it is what we have to do. So, I've made a list of things that women can do to ensure their safety at home and while outside.

1.  Be Vigilant

I know that sounds a little scary, but better safe than sorry. Especially when you are traveling alone, be aware of the people around you. And whenever possible tell your family and friends where you are going and when you are expected to return. Keep police control room number and the number of a friend or relative on speed dial.

2. Dress Appropriately

Remember, what might seem normal in certain circles of the society might be provocative in more conservative sections. Don't invite trouble by dressing inappropriately.

3. Appear Confident
Criminals tend to target scared and lost looking women. So, don't look lost, be confident.

4. Carry Sharp Objects

It is very good if you know some form of martial arts but not everyone has the time to learn it. So, Plan B is to make use of the things you carry with you. Small sharp objects can be a very good weapon. Drop a sharp pin or pen into your purse when you step out of home. It might come handy when you need to distract the assailant and escape.

5. Water Bottles, Umbrellas , Torches and Sprays

We all know of pepper spray and how it can be the single most effective tool in the arsenal of women. In case you can't get hold of one, use deodorant, hair spray or air freshener instead. They are all very effective. Carry them whenever possible.
You can slip in a water bottle, umbrella or if you are traveling at night, carry a torch. All these can be used to strike down your opponent.

6. At Home

Always lock the door properly and don't open it for strangers. Know your neighbors and maintain a good relation with them. If a mechanic or plumber is due to arrive, request a neighbor to be present at the time.

7. Trust your Instincts
Always trust your instincts and common sense. If you think something is not right, flee immediately.


Every woman has her own methods to ensure safety. So if you have any such methods, do share it.
Lets take our safety into our own hands!!